The Truth About ADHD

✨ Hello, I'm Fran, your NLP Coach, and in this episode, I'm interviewing Adam to discuss the truth about ADHD.

Meet Adam from ADHD or Life? - A Couple's Perspective
Adam brings a refreshingly honest, couples-focused perspective to ADHD from the center of his own lived experience. Currently navigating his own ADHD diagnosis, Adam openly shares what it’s like to learn, adapt, and grow in real time. He and his partner, Donna, demonstrate a collaborative approach to understanding ADHD in a relationship, showing that partnership can thrive on transparency, humor, and learned wisdom.

You can connect to Adam in the following ways ⬇️
https://adhdorlife.com/
https://www.instagram.com/adhdorlifepod/
https://www.youtube.com/@adhdorlifepod

Find me @ www.melancholymentor.com

As a coach, I listen without judgment, understanding that others’ views may differ from my own.

#nlpcoach #nlpcoaching #creativity #inspiration #transformation #adhdawareness

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Melancholy Coaching
• 0:36 Meet Adam from ADHD or Life
• 2:21 Surprising Discoveries After ADHD Diagnosis
• 6:30 Misconceptions About ADHD
• 13:41 Communication Advice for Neurodiverse Couples
• 20:15 ADHD or Life Podcast Future Plans
• 25:10 Understanding Differences Between Conditions
• 31:04 Closing Thoughts and Contact Information

Transcript

Fran: 0:00

Hello everyone, welcome to the Melancholy Coaching Podcast. I'm Fran, your host and NLP coach. Join me as I interview inspiring business owners and self-improvement seekers about their experiences, while delving into personal development, motivation and strategies for overcoming challenges. Let's ignite our creative potential together.

Fran: 0:36

Hello and welcome to the Melancholy Coaching Podcast. I'm Fran, your NLP coach, and I'm proud to introduce an inspiring guest to the show. As many of you know, adhd stands for Attention Deficit, hyperactivity Disorder. Adam from ADHD or Life is a couple's perspective. So it's ADHD or Life, a couple's perspective. He's currently navigating his own ADHD diagnosis and, together with Donna, his partner, they share their honest experience of living with ADHD in a relationship. Donna brings the perspective of a neurotypical partner, offering insights into what it's like to support and navigate life alongside somebody with ADHD. Their story is full of real life challenges, funny moments and heartfelt conversations about the messy, beautiful realities of neurodiverse relationships. They're passionate about breaking down stigma, sharing practical strategies and having open, unfiltered discussions about what it's really like to manage ADHD in a partnership. And today we've got Adam on the show.

Adam: 1:40

Hi Fran.

Fran: 1:41

Hello, adam, it's an honour to have you here, oh, what an introduction.

Adam: 1:44

Thank you very much.

Fran: 1:46

Oh, you're very welcome, because I'm absolutely fascinated, because I've listened to some of your podcast episodes and I decided to start from what I could find at the beginning and I'm going to work my way through them.

Adam: 1:57

Yeah, it's nice.

Fran: 1:59

Thank you for joining me on my podcast. The way that I do this is I'll ask you a couple of questions, we'll have a little conversation around it and just find out a bit more about you, if that's okay with you sounds great, okay, so the first question I've got for you is what has been the most surprising or unexpected thing you've learned about yourself since navigating ADHD?

Adam: 2:24

that's really interesting. That's a good question. The whole thing has been very surprising there. The ADHD thing was a massive surprise. That's been the most the biggest surprise, I think, learning that I just had ADHD which came through my son being diagnosed. I never, I never, knew anything about ADHD, and neither did Donna, and we were looking at the questionnaire for my son and I thought, oh, I might have this. And we were laughing about it until the end of the questionnaire and I'm like I've got ADHD and it just explained so much. It was such an eye-opener about a lot of behaviours that I've had throughout my life and the whole thing was a massive surprise.

Fran: 3:10

So what kind of timeline is that so? How? How long ago were you looking at this form for your son?

Adam: 3:15

This was around two years ago.

Fran: 3:19

Right, okay, has your son since been diagnosed with?

Adam: 3:22

it. Yes, so he was diagnosed around about that time.

Fran: 3:25

Okay, so are you still going through the process of finding out about your own diagnosis?

Adam: 3:32

I've just been diagnosed around four weeks ago officially. Yeah it's quite a long in-depth process, isn't it? It really is, so that's been as soon as I found out. I tried, I started the process and put my name on a waiting list, and that was a year. I never heard then from back, so then went through another process and managed to get it within about six months, but it's still ongoing just now. So I was diagnosed four weeks ago and now it's still a waiting game to see what happens next. It's very, very long.

Fran: 4:04

Do you know, just out of interest, the actual diagnosis that you've got? Because there's adhd, there's add and I think there's another one. There's sort of three different types, I think, of adhd, isn't there?

Adam: 4:16

yes, there is the inattentive type, which I have, so where you struggle with focus and things or well, I don't know if you struggle with focus, because if it's something you enjoy, you really focus on it, so it's a weird one. And there's also the restlessness type, yeah, which it says I had traits of, but the the focus side was the inattentive side was the one that I struggled with. Okay, yeah, it's just.

Fran: 4:47

It's interesting, isn't it, that by ADHD there's kind of different parts of it and some may affect people more than others, and there's also a lot of kind of almost stereotypical views of ADHD, and that you know. Oh, you know, know a bit bonkers and a bit forgetful, and you know it's not exactly that though is it, it's not exactly that it can be actually quite debilitating yeah, it's.

Adam: 5:16

We always thought. I always thought that ADHD was the naughty boy jumping about the back of the classroom. And that was never me, so it never entered my mind. Same with my son he wasn't naughty. So I thought, if I'm honest a couple of years ago, I don't think it exists, I don't think I believed it existed. I was skeptical, the same as everybody, probably my age is, and when you actually go into it there's so many symptoms that you would never think are associated. But it's so interesting and it explains so much. As you say, it can be very debilitating and it can lead to.

Adam: 5:55

I was diagnosed with depression years ago and I don't think I was ever depressed. I think it was all parts of ADHD that burned out and things. So I think I was misdiagnosed years ago.

Fran: 6:11

I see I've navigated life with depression and it's part of what I've spoken in earlier podcast episodes of mine. I feel like I've had generational depression, so it's just always been there. It's been very. I've been in a psych ward. I've kind of refused meds and it's just been a very, very long process and during the beginning of the I'm going to mention the pandemic crippling depression and reached out for help and just constantly kept reaching out for help and they sent me to online CBT. I think it was like cognitive behavioral therapy didn't particularly do anything for me.

Fran: 6:52

No judgment for those who use it and it and it does work. It just didn't really do anything for me. And the therapist actually said to me I think that you may have ADHD. You need to go back to the doctor. We cannot get any of these sessions out of you. You're not focusing and you're so easily distracted. And I went to my GP and I don't know why. This is funny.

Fran: 7:12

I went to my GP who then said the waiting list to see a diagnosing psychiatrist or psychotherapist about this is too long, it's not worth it. Therapist about this is too long, it's not worth it. And at your age, why would you want to know now? And I said because I've suffered from crippling age, crippling depression, and it will help me to understand my identity as a person, as a human being. You know, I'm not just looking for a label as such, I'm looking to understand myself so that I can access the world in the best way possible. I then said but I'm worried about medication and I would need somebody to talk to me about it. And the GP actually said if you're not interested in medication, it's definitely not worth putting you on the list. So I thought you know what, I'm just going to carry on my merry way.

Fran: 8:05

It is shocking and that's what actually led me to retrain as an neurolinguistic programming coach, because I was so desperate to understand my mind and understand the way that I could access the world. So I've gone down a different path with it. Whether or not I have ADHD, who knows who?

Adam: 8:21

knows whether I've got.

Fran: 8:22

ADD or ADHD, who knows? But I've had depression for many years, so I can understand that. But then some things overlap slightly, don't they? So within my depression, I've often wondered whether it was childhood trauma you know, I was bullied at school, I was very quiet or whether there was something else there that was missed yeah, yeah, it's really interesting when you get into it and try and get to the bottom of things.

Adam: 8:46

It's it's just a whole rabbit hole that I'm still in just now.

Fran: 8:50

It's been going on for two years yeah, so I should imagine that if you're in a safe place with environmentally and with your mind and you can reflect on the past or reflect on when you was at school, can you now see why some things were the way they were.

Adam: 9:06

So this surprised me majorly during the assessment. I was ready for the questions, but the way he asked them got something new out of me that I wasn't expecting and it made me look different at how I was at school. And, like I say, I was never naughty, I was always good I was at school. And, like I say, I was never naughty, I was always good, I was done relatively well in school and but then when I was thinking about homework, homework was never done. Homework was done on the bus on the way to school, trying to the people, pleasing, always trying to please people that were in authority, and it all kind of fell into place as he was speaking and as I was speaking. It kind of all fit together. That was fascinating.

Fran: 9:53

Sven, it was interesting to me when you said that prior to a couple of years ago you wouldn't have necessarily believed that it was a real thing, and that's possibly just because it hadn't encountered, it hadn't kind of featured in your world at all, or you didn't know anybody with it, and possibly it's a new thing now. I first encountered ADHD. It was probably about 1984 and at that time I was a child minding and I child minded a little child that was had a lot of challenges, a lot of challenges, and he ended up being diagnosed with ADHD. And around that time, around the early and mid 90s, there was a lot of kind of. There were I can't think what to call it but there were studies that's the word. There we go, it's gone.

Fran: 10:44

Think what to call it, but there were studies. That's the word. Yeah, there we go, it's gone. There were studies into what was causing children to be inattentive or children to be withdrawn, and some of it was around kind of e-numbers in foods and in juices and drinks and and it was thought that if you went more clean that it, that it would help and that possibly adhd was just more of an american thing that had seeped over here and they were putting the children on things like I think it was ritalin or something and you know, was it really a thing? And there was a lot of studies done into preservatives and especially certain types of e-numbers. I remember my daughters drinking things like sunny d and stuff like that that were not only laced with a lot of sugar, no doubt you know, yeah, so that would have caused them to be quite hyperactive and that would still work.

Fran: 11:38

Now, you know, the sugars and things that are in our children's foods or in our foods in general can add to, like those spikes in, you know, energy and then the the kind of crash down from that. That in itself doesn't mean you've got adhd, but potentially people with adhd or with add they would. They would have some of those symptoms anywhere back extreme hyper focus, and then they were completely exhausted, without it being anything to do with preservatives in food or any environmental factors yeah, I completely agree.

Adam: 12:15

I especially through diet. It can be somewhat controlled through diet If you stay off of sugar, for example. Sugar really emphasises all the symptoms. So if you can cut back on sugar it definitely helps control it. But what you have with ADAPhd is the impulsivity, so I can say I'll stay back from sugar and then 10 o'clock at night I'm ramming a packet of biscuits in my face because that it's the impulsive and you need that, the dopamine, I suppose. So it's, it's trying to get the balance right, which can seem impossible.

Fran: 12:58

Yeah, and that can happen with kind of scrolling on phones or looking at media and things like that. It's those little dopamine hits, isn't it?

Adam: 13:06

Yeah, dopamine comes up. I don't understand the science fully behind it. I know that we use the word dopamine a lot. We talk about it in every episode because everything seems to be associated with dopamine, and I've lost what I was going to say. Sorry, but you can chase it in many different ways through, as you say, scrolling.

Fran: 13:34

So part of your recent diagnosis is understanding why potentially that's the thing for you or why that has happened. So it's we. We want to understand ourselves, don't?

Adam: 13:46

we yeah, I've. I've looked into everything. So I used to struggle with alcohol and that was a massive. I got sober six years ago and that was a game changer, so thank you, but that then left like a gap that since I've been trying to fill with other things. It's it's that constant dopamine taking. It was interesting what you said about like people people that don't have adhd will experience the symptoms of the, the crash and the high with sugar and things, and that's what led us to start the podcast, because interesting because when we found out about the, the adhd basically donna says it not everything's adhd, so you can't say, oh, that's adhd, that's yes so what?

Adam: 14:45

is and what isn't, because some things are just life. So that's what started is where we were thinking is it, is that the adhd, or is does everybody do that?

Fran: 14:55

so that was where that came from yeah, if you haven't got a neurotypical brain, yeah, you don't know what it's like to have a neurotypical brain. You've got no idea and you know, you, you, you won't ever know that from your own perspective, will you?

Fran: 15:11

no interesting right? So I've got another kind of question for you because I like to pre-plan a couple. So what advice would you give to other couples where one partner is diagnosed or recently been diagnosed with adhd, you know, and potentially the other one is neurotypical? What advice would you give to them?

Adam: 15:36

That's a good one. I think the biggest bit of advice is communication. I think since we learned about it, we talk a lot more Because there's a reason for some stuff. So it means that Donna can be a bit more patient sometimes to an extent, and I also understand myself better, so I can be, I can communicate things better within the relationship. But also research. I think that has helped us so much from both sides, because I've done a lot of research into myself and Donna's done a lot of research into ADHD and what can be symptoms and what so therefore she's she's been a lot more, a lot more patient. I think patience is a massive thing. So definitely communication and research and what it is, so that you're not just blown up all the time and having fights or arguments or it's that curiosity, isn't it?

Fran: 16:45

even even that research comes with. It's got to come with certain boundaries, though, hasn't it, because otherwise you're going to end up down a big rabbit hole, or potentially it is and potentially it isn't, so it still has to have some safety guidelines with it, doesn't it?

Adam: 17:00

yeah, definitely, I think that's a risk of I know. For me personally, when, when the adhd thing was mentioned, that then became my hyper focus, that was it. That was all I was concentrating on, for as I still to an extent just now. You can't go too far with it, with the research and everything.

Fran: 17:26

So, yeah, you've got to be careful. Yeah, just come at it from a safe place of curiosity and know what your intentions are for doing it. So to understand yourself better. So I like that. So any other couples listening to this or anybody who's got relationships, maybe with children or parents or work colleagues, or you know, it's like communication yeah is is the key of it? Isn't it to to understand the communication side of it?

Adam: 17:52

I've learned now if something is getting overwhelming, I hate all the words, I hate all the buzzwords.

Fran: 18:02

I was just going to say. Do they sound like buzzphrases? Yeah, I don't like it.

Adam: 18:06

But I'm able to now see I'm getting a bit overwhelmed here and I wouldn't use those words. I'm getting a bit overwhelmed here and I wouldn't use those words. But I would be able to say, donna, I've done enough, and she would understand. The same way as if I'm struggling with emotions or regulating emotions, then Donna can say to me look, just think about what you're doing, look at how you're handling this.

Fran: 18:39

Emotional regulation is a really big thing, and part of that is also identifying the emotion, because sometimes it's difficult to know what the emotion is. You just know that you're feeling something and it's all a bit too much um. So just kind of out of interest with emotional regulation and just thinking about being able to regulate yourself emotionally, is there any kind of resources, kind of that toolkit, that you know what are your go-to things to help yourself?

Adam: 19:09

this is interesting because my first answer is always breathing. I've done, I've looked a lot into breath work and like block breathing and if you can just pause for a minute, if you feel yourself getting like angry or sad or frustrated, but just breathe, just take a minute and breathe. But this is why it's interesting, because when you're in that moment it's all like me saying this now, but if tomorrow I'm in a bad mood, then I'm not going to be telling myself to just breathe. It becomes very difficult. So the main thing is a breathing, but trying to get yourself in the position where you can just take a minute.

Fran: 19:52

I think with any resource like that, it's the mind's, mindfulness, mind's literally focusing on the present moment in time, listening to that ticking clock or watching the leaves on the tree, you know, whatever it be, because a big part of my depression was disassociation. So, to cope, I would disassociate. I wouldn't necessarily feel anything, but I would still be going through the motions of trying to get through a day. Yeah, for me, being in the present moment in time was the scariest thing, of course, and it is difficult to remember that you've got something that can help you in a moment of heightened either anxiety or emotion that you're not necessarily sure how to identify or label. But it can become a habit, it can become a built-in habit, even with ADHD. It can become a built-in resource that helps go to and you, you have to kind of almost make yourself go there yeah so it's a choice, isn't it?

Fran: 20:46

but it's remembering that you've got that choice yeah, this is it, and that takes work.

Adam: 20:52

I'm not there yet, but would like to think that I'm heading the right way and I'll do it more than I don't yeah, yeah.

Fran: 20:59

So there's, there's things there that you can do to help yourself, if you can kind of just remember that they're there and stuff like that like, yeah, I to help yourself, if you can kind of just remember that they're there, and stuff like that like, yeah, I used to have a song that I played because I found that was the easiest thing. So years ago, when my children were young, if I was feeling like really badly depressed and I wasn't really coping that well, I would play a certain song and they'd all come and give me a hug.

Adam: 21:20

I love that.

Fran: 21:21

That's you know so it's almost like a white flag or something, something just like hey, because often I can verbalize it. So for anybody listening that's finding it difficult, overwhelming, you know, buzzword or not, he's finding it difficult or doesn't quite know how to emotionally regulate, find something that's like a signal, find, find people, whoever it be, that can listen or support you and use it as a signal. So, whether it be that you just have to stop and whoever you're with it your partner or somebody else knows to give you that space and time, or whether you play a song or whether you have to, just say hey, help, help, you know, whatever it is is going to be the thing that works.

Fran: 22:03

There's no right or wrong to any of this is there no, absolutely not.

Adam: 22:06

No, that's a great idea.

Fran: 22:07

I like that yeah, there's no judgment for for any of this either. No, you know, we're all just trying to do our best and cope this is it yeah I know um. So, looking ahead, what are your hopes and plans for adhd or life? So you do adhd or life pod yes. Yeah, so what? What are your hopes and plans for it or Life? So you do ADHD or Life pod yes.

Adam: 22:30

Yeah. So what are your hopes and plans for it? What's going to be coming next? So at the minute, we're just really enjoying doing it. I think it's a bit like couples counselling every two weeks we get to sit down and just talk to each other and it's great, and the main thing we want is for it to be relatable. I want people to be real, real life. So like with all the buzzwords and everything in there, you don't get people just talking about how it actually is. And I'm really enjoying that just now, where we just sit down every couple of weeks, tell it like it is. We want I would love to expand it a bit to reach a bigger audience. Really, I would love that to happen and just keep going the way we're going and we're enjoying it, and I think that's the main thing at the minute.

Fran: 23:19

The thing with buzzwords is they're good for identification yeah you know of something yeah and they help. They do, to a certain extent, help people communicate, but also sometimes they need explaining. Yeah, so you know, I do feel that, like I'd be interested that if there are any buzzwords around being neurotypical or around being, you know, having having adhd, that they were kind of explained or highlighted. Yeah, because the amount of times I'm looking things up you know, and then you wonder whether or not you're being led to the right information yeah, that's.

Adam: 23:54

That's a really good point. Actually, we we concentrate a lot on like the stigma surrounding it as well. So when you're talking buzzwords, what came into my head was the superpower, what people call it a superpower. We had a whole episode on that, because it's just the way that people say some stuff and, as you say, there's buzzwords that could be better explained I think that the thing about superpower, the way I see it, it's either it's either people by neurotypical.

Fran: 24:25

It just means that you know, you know you're not neuro-spicy, you don't have. There's another one, yeah, neuro-spicy. And again I forgot where I was going with that. So who knows? Well, my bit of transparency here for you. My son has autism. So my son is now 23 years old. He was diagnosed severely autistic when he was preschool and I've been on a real deep road with him, you know, over the years, and a lot of it's to do with communication and so I understand you know autism's a neurodiverse condition as well. So I understand you know autism's a neurodiverse condition as well. So I understand things from an autistic perspective of having a child with it and seeing the challenges with that.

Fran: 25:13

And again, some of it is kind of can be dated as such. So let's say my son's 23. I'm in my 50s, so I'm 55.

Fran: 25:23

You know, I'm a 1970s baby, so a certain generation back in the day, when I used to say, oh, my son's been diagnosed with autism, they would say, oh, is he like Rain man? Because there was a movie, yeah, called Rain man. I think it featured Dustin Hoffman as somebody. And I'm like, no, I don't think so. So it's kind of made me look into it and actually that was based on a, on a real person. It's more to do with being a savant.

Fran: 25:50

So there's a type of autism that's savant autism and it's it's where they are either incredibly focused and very, very good at mathematics or they're very, very good at language, but all the other symptoms of autism are there, you know. So they might be incontinent or they might not be able to cope with that carer, yet they can solve very complex max things. I'm like, no, that's not my son. There's a whole different type of autism going on with him. But it was just kind of interesting to me that it was sort of you know, is he like Roman? So do you ever get? I mean, I can't think of any films that specifically feature ADHD, but does anybody ever bring up a celebrity or something else and say, oh, is it like that? Because they're trying to relate. They're trying to understand.

Adam: 26:38

So I've not had that where it's like someone or a film or anything. What I do get a lot is that everybody is a bit adhd, so everybody I get everybody's a bit yeah yeah, and that's a bit don't like that because, yeah, it's, everybody's got certain traits and things, which is just personality I have yeah I don't actually think I have adhd.

Fran: 27:07

I think I'd like to think it was more obvious if I did. I don't know, but I I do. I kind of spin things and you know I'm always fidgeting around. I have trouble sitting still. But there could be a lot of other reasons for that as well yeah, um you know, sorry, let me go that's okay. That's okay because who knows what either of us were going to talk about, but it's just. I think that sometimes it's said out of people just trying to relate definitely human beings.

Fran: 27:38

We like to think that we are very empathic. You know we've got a lot of empathy, yeah. However, we rely a lot on stories, you know, and on stories and on you know things. We link things. It all comes down to communication again, and language. However that's used, we like to find things that are relatable. We all want to be very, very different, but we like things that are the same as us. You know, complex little creatures aren't?

Fran: 28:07

we so I actually think that a lot of the time it's just said because people are trying to relate, they're trying to find something to, to, to empathize with yeah and that's not necessarily wrong, and I think that it's just one of those standard things that people say, even if it's slightly irritating yeah yeah, because I get it a lot. You know, we're all a bit autistic and I'm like, maybe I don't know.

Fran: 28:33

I mean, you know, apparently, if you've kind of got a questionnaire, you know everybody can tick at least a few of the things on there. Yeah, because we're going to have a commonality from being human, aren't we?

Adam: 28:46

this is it, yeah, and some of it is personality traits, isn't it? Whereas there's the other side of it that people don't see. There's a side where, because of adhd, you became paralyzed to an extent where you can't do anything for days on end, and I've been through that. That's when, when the doctor thought it was depression and just put me on tablets, but looking back, it was probably due to ADHD, where it was just burned out or it could last for days. Do you want?

Fran: 29:18

another one for that, because I know you're going to love these buzzwords now analysis, paralysis.

Adam: 29:23

I actually quite like that one.

Fran: 29:26

Yeah.

Adam: 29:26

I like that one, but yeah, that can stop me doing stuff for days on end. So people see, they think ADHD and they see somebody jumping about, but really it can be quite debilitating. I just don't think that's how you spoke about it enough really. Yeah, hence ADHD. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, I just don't think that's spoke about enough really.

Fran: 29:44

Hence ADHD or life. Thank you, adam. Thank you for sharing your honest perspectives as well and your openness. Your insights are really going to make a difference. I'd love to talk to Donna as well in the future.

Adam: 30:05

She's much better at talking to other things.

Fran: 30:08

Well, you know, we've all got things that we're good at, haven't we? Yeah, it doesn't mean that you're not going to get good at the talking side of it.

Adam: 30:16

No, that's it.

Fran: 30:17

We've all got qualities. So for those of you interested in learning more about adam and donna and what they get up to, you can visit wwwadhd or lifecom. Okay, on instagram it's ad as ADHD or LifePod. Yeah, now I'm a YouTube creator, so you know.

Fran: 30:53

Creator on YouTube, so I love YouTube yeah, that's good so, by all means, go and find Adam, go and find Donna, give them a follow and we'll see what happens next. I would love to speak to you again about you know, and about having donna on my podcast and, yeah, definitely, maybe talking to you both together as well. That'd be a new experience for me, you know, and we can follow each other's journeys as well, definitely.

Adam: 31:19

Oh, it's been lovely. I've really enjoyed it.

Fran: 31:20

Thank you so if for anybody listening. If you're interested in more content like this, be sure to visit wwwmelancholymentorcom. That's me. Follow us for the latest updates. Until next time, stay curious, keep igniting your creative potential and go and find ADHD or life pod thank you very much bye.

Fran: 31:47

Thank you for joining me on the melancholy coaching podcast. I'd love you to subscribe for queries or to connect email info at melancholymentorcom. Until next time, keep igniting your creative potential.